Wednesday June 2, 2010

It's been a pretty good day I suppose.  I got a good start on the laundry and was able to go get groceries with Sis. Crager.  I'm so grateful for the help from the Church but at the same time I hate that we need the help.  I feel like such a burden and it's a horrible feeling to have.  My mind has been weighed down all day about what we are going to do to survive and what we should do.  The only possible option I see is to move to a cheap apartment closer to Robert's work.  The thought of doing that makes my stomach churn.  I do not want to move.  I don't want to live back in the city, I don't want to lose our home with the perfect neighborhood, yard, location (as in right next to my dad), ward.  It kills me.  But I see no other way.  I had a very sincere heart to heart with my Heavenly Father today and just plead with Him to give me some inspiration as to what to do.  I told Him I didn't expect Him to just fix everything without us having to learn any lessons or do the work ourselves.  I just explained that I was completely clueless as to what to do or any possible solutions- nothing feels right.  It could just be denial about moving but I really don't know.  I have faith that if I'm faithful and do all I can He will help us.  I almost lost hope and dealt with some very strong temptation today but I'm so glad that I recognized the temptation and prayed right away and read my scriptures.  That's a lot of progress for me- especially under this kind of stress.  In the past, I've realized, these worriesome times are the times when I crack and return to my destructive addiction.  As I was thinking about that on my beautiful drive to Mutual (it was so cool and stormy- my fave kind of weather!) I felt good thinking that I passed that test faithfully.  I don't expect blessings from passing- it just felt good to have that peace of conscience.  I had a lot of fun with the girls at Mutual tonight.  We ate some good treats, played a few games and just chatted.  It was a low key night to just have fun at a stressful time of year for the girls- the end of the school year.  As I left I realized how much fun I had, how much I love my calling and our YW and how I had completely forgotten about all my worries and stress.  I'm so grateful for those few hours of peace.  Also on my drive home I realized that I need to spend more time with my babies- more quality time.  I've done well at not wasting time playing games or watching tv (I watched a little today but felt so unproductive and realized that just the ads were the reason for a lot of my temptation so I shut it off- I was thinking about how I should just give up tv altogether and how beneficial that would be to me) but I need to do better at playing with them and teaching them and just spending more quality time with and giving attention to them.  They are growing up way too fast.  Especially my sweet girl- I can't believe how much she's matured just in the last month or so.  I'm so proud of how wonderful she's turning out to be and I don't want to miss any precious moments I can have with her.  Oh how I love her!  As I thought about her request for me to have a tea party with her today and my turning her down I felt a strong pang of guilt.  I really, truly don't want to have those regrets.  So I will do better about spending those precious moments with my kids.  They are my life- my everything.  Oh how I love them!!