Mom's Letter May 27, 2010

Thursday May 27, 2010

Dearest Mother Whom I love so much!,

I suck. I'm sorry. I know it sounds so lame but I haven't had any money to get the pictures printed so I've been putting off writing to you because I feel guilty. Sorry momma. I'm hoping I will have a few extra bucks tomorrow, pay day, to get some pics printed for you and pick you up some cards but no promises. But at least I can write you a letter right?! I love you!

So since we got back from AZ things have been a little bit crazy. I got super sick again, started bleeding, was put on bed rest, got really depressed, Robert flew out to VA (it was for a security company in Arlington- basically in Washington DC) for a final interview, we thought for sure he had the job, found out he didn't get it, our van got repossessed after being one month late (what a jerk the car guy is!), Joaquin suffered through some really bad diaper/yeast infections. I know how depressing that must sound but really mom, we are doing so good right now. I'm doing much better- I had forgotten what it felt like to not be sick, and off of bed rest. My energy is back and I feel human again. We found out yesterday that we are have a.... drumroll please.... BOY! We are excited. It seems as though my posterity is following in the steps of my life. And that's awesome. After struggling so much I finally kicked my rear in gear and got diligent about my prayers and scriptures and, no suprise, my life got much better. I haven't been able to take my meds because they make me so sick so my depression is just being dealt with strictly by prayer and it's a miracle because I'm surviving and thriving. We have been very diligent about having family prayer and scripture study and Family Home Evening and haven't missed a day in over a week. We've also made a family goal to each personally read from the Book Of Mormon every day. I read Joaquin one verse, Baily one page and Robert and I have committed to at least 5 minutes or a chapter a day (that was the Bishop's challenge to the ward). Before we had that FHE where we made that goal and talked about the BOM (we read Elder Holland's amazing talk Safety for the Soul in the Nov. '09 Ensign- if you haven't read it yet... DO IT!!!), Satan attacked us. I didn't understand why we were all in such a foul mood that day and I was so grumpy and irritated. I almost just said to heck with FHE but after praying to calm down we still had our FHE. I can see now why Satan was attacking us that day- he does not want us to have the amazing blessing of the BOM in our life. We are doing a sticker chart to chart our progress and we've not missed a day in almost 2 weeks since we started our goal. I can't tell you the difference it makes in our family. While we've been going through these tough financial times and times of uncertainty Robert and I have not even argued once and have actually gotten closer. My kids are more behaved and there just seems to be so much love in our home. The Spirit is so strong. I really feel like my home is now a safe haven from the rest of the world and I can't tell you how much that means to me. We still have our rough times- I still yell and get mad at myself when I do, but we are all so much more quick to apologize and forgive. Our house has stayed clean and orderly, I've been doing great and making great home-made dinners every night and we are just closer. Baily's finally sleeping in her own bed all night, we stick to our daily and bed time routines. Things are amazing. On the surface you might see the hardships like losing our van and being so broke, but when you look deep down, our family has never been better. As much as we hated to lose our van, that means that now we don't have to be burdened with that $320 payment every month along with gas and maintenance. We still have our Camry which is fully paid for and gets amazing gas mileage (in fact, we noticed a tender mercy that lately it's getting more and more miles to the gallon... coincidence? I think not!). And since my dad is recovering from his major back surgery (he's doing well by the way), whenever I do need a car Dad and Patty let me use theirs whenever I need it. For the first time in our life, we've been faithful enough to pay our tithing even when we didn't know how we were going to survive without it. That peace of conscience that comes from being obedient is priceless. We thought for sure we were going to have to move to a small apartment closer to Robert's work in the city an hour away, but now without the van payment we will be able to stay here in our home that we love in the area we love- out of the city. It will still be tight but we can do it. I was planning on trying to find 1 or 2 kids to watch but now without my van I don't know if I'll still be able to. So while we're still trying to figure out a better way to survive financially we are surviving. Barely... but we are surviving. The Lord is with us and we feel Him and are therefore in a state of hope and not fear.

So that's where we're at. I'm sorry to say mom that we just can't afford to go see you. It kills me but there's just no way for us right now. I don't see how I'm going to make it to Alex's wedding and I just know he's going to be so upset. I hate it but it is what it is. I'm sorry mom. I really, really miss you. Baily always talks about going to Utah to see Grandma Kaybee. I hope we can sooner than later!!

Robert's doing well. He's busy working and on Thursdays he gets to play softball with a team from his work. They are horrible- they haven't won one game, but he has fun and he deserves it. He's a Ward Missionary so he gets to go on visits with the missionaries and he loves it. Our missionaries don't speak Spanish so Robert's been a real help with translating to the Hispanic investigators and non-actives they visit. He works so hard to support us and when he's home he's an amazing dad and husband. Oh how I love him!

My Baily Bug- I can't even talk about her without tearing up because she's growing up so fast. And not just growing up, but growing up beautifully. She's such a good girl mom. I don't know how I got so lucky. She has a few bratty moments here and there but she's grown out of her tantrum phase and she's just awesome. She's such a good big sister to her brother. She's always trying to take care of him and me. She really, really wanted a sister and she was so excited to go with us to the ultrasound to find out what the baby is. She held my hand through the whole thing and kept asking me if I was ok and telling me “It's ok mom. I love you so much mom. You're such a good mom mom.” She was worried that the ultrasound was hurting me even though I kept telling her it didn't hurt. She was trying to comfort me. She's been like that this whole pregnancy that I've been sick. So when we found out it was a boy she sighed and then said “It's ok mom. I'll still love my brother.” She's seriously the sweetest little girl. I was talking to Patty the other day and she was mentioning and she noticed how much Baily's grown up and how Baily reminds her of me and how I was always trying to take care of everyone. She said the only difference is, is that Baily doesn't pick on her brother like I used to and is not as bossy. Hee, hee. It's so true. She's so excited to start school in the Fall. We told her that they might not let her in if she was still sleeping with mommy and daddy so we made some goals and got our routine down, a family in our ward gave us a bunk bed so she wasn't swallowed up in that huge Queen bed and she's been sleeping in her bed for over 2 weeks now. She's all excited that now they'll let her into school. LOL. She loves to color and play with her blocks. She's so good. She's very artistic. She's not really into sports and has informed me to my great dismay that she doesn't want to play soccer. She wants to be in ballet and dance so bad so we're working on finding a way to get her into a program. She builds these amazing buildings and creations with her blocks and legos. She colors amazingly and draws pretty well too. I'll send you some of her art this weekend. She loves to play outside and find frogs and caterpillars to play with. She's starting to get into Barbie's and dolls and playing pretend everything. Her imagination is going a mile a minute all the time and I often hear her having conversations with herself and her imaginary friends. She's finally back to being a great eater and not so picky. She's always so grateful for every meal. She loves to help me in the kitchen- I need to work on being more patient with her and letting her help more. She loves to listen to her playlist on my ipod (it includes Lady Gaga, Taylor “Smith,” Hannah “Tana,” all High School Musical Songs, her Primary cd and the Newsies soundtrack). She'll put her headphones on and go into her room and sing and dance on her bed for a long time. It's so cute. But if she catches anyone watching her she gets so embarrassed. She hates when she has to much attention on her. She refuses to talk in Primary. She's still very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. Wonder where she gets that from?! She loves church and family home evening and family prayer and scripture study. She says the sweetest prayers whether it be at meal times or family prayer or her personal prayers. We've had some pretty funny ones but it just shows us how personal her relationship with Heavenly Father is and I love it. She's got a very strong testimony of Jesus and is always talking about Him- how Jesus helps her to not be scared or have bad dreams. Whenever she feels sick or gets hurt she says “let's say a prayer mom and Jesus will help me.” She's always asking questions about Him and heaven and I just love it. When she's around her family or people she knows well she's always talking. She still loves aliens and wants to have an alien birthday party. She's just awesome mom. I just love her so much and am so, so very grateful to get to be her mom.

Joaquin- my little buddy. He melts my heart. He's getting into that terrible phase of tantrums and hitting when he doesn't get what he wants. Not cool. He's always beating up no his sister but no one else better touch her or he'll pound 'em. He picks on her but he loves her and looks up to her so much. He only likes to eat eggs, oatmeal, fruit, celery and meat. Sometimes I can get him to eat a little pasta. But he won't eat potatoes or anything that has some sort of sauce- like mayo, cream of anything, sour cream, ketchup, bbq sauce. He's weird like that. He LOVES Buzz and Woody and watches the 2 Toy Story movies a couple times a day. He carries his little Buzz and Woody toys around with him everywhere. He really likes his Spiderman underwears too. He won't wear them without a diaper but he won't get dressed without them on. LOL. He wants nothing to do with potty training and I'm fine with that. I'm not ready for that anyway. Boys really are slower than girls in that department. His smile and his laugh are so contagious. Patty's always saying how much he reminds her of Beau and after looking at a bunch of Beau's pictures, she's right. He has that same sweet smile. He's a happy kid and very tough. He never cries when he gets hurt. He got stung by a bee and instead of crying he just got mad and started trying to punch the bee. It was the funniest thing ever. He loves rough-housing with his dad. But he won't let his dad change his diaper or dress or anything. He's a total momma's boy- and secretly I love it. I think this new baby's going to be a tough adjustment for him. I don't think he'll take it out on the baby- just me. I'm excited he'll have a little brother to play with though. He also loves to be outside but he screams so loud (think Zach when we were watching Signs) if a bug or spider touches him. It's so funny. He's completely fearless and I'm convinced he'll be the first one in our family to have a broken bone. He's so short and stalky and it's so cute. We have to buy shoes like 2 sizes too big because they are so fat. They are little Fred Flinstone feet and oh they're just so delicious. He has a terrible habit of biting his nails so low. I can't get him to stop. He's talking like crazy and it's so dang cute. He talks better than most kids his age. He's really smart and catches on to things very quickly. Mostly though- he's so freakin' adorable you just wanna squeeze him- and I do a lot. He still has those soft, chubby delicious cheeks that I kiss every chance I get. Oh how I love that boy!!

And like I said earlier, I'm doing pretty great. It feels so nice to have energy and to enjoy eating again. My belly's huge but I'm not swelling up as much as I did with the other two. I'm still under my pre-pregnancy weight. I love my calling- I love my YW. I'm excited to go to girl's camp in July. I'm so excited Lee won even though I rarely got to see much of the show this year. I LOVE Glee even though I'm a couple episodes behind. It's my all time fave show. Life is good- not easy by any means, but good. I miss you momma. You're in our prayers all the time and please know we're thinking about you and talking about you and remembering you always. We are always so excited when we get your letters. Be strong! I love you for always!!!

Love For Ever,Sar Bear

Thursday May 27, 2010

Man I'm tired.  It's either that this boy is growing and taking up all my energy (which I can tell he's growing because I'm huge) or I'm just being too lazy and it's causing a lack of energy.  I think it's a combination of both.  I was pretty productive yesterday and had a good day with Robert being home for his day off.  We enjoyed our ultrasound appointment- well Baily and I did (Robert was dealing with a very cranky Joaquin who did not want to hold still).  We found out we are having a boy!  I was very surprised because I was sure it was a girl but I'm still excited and grateful that he seems to be healthy.  He was very active and the tech had a hard time getting his heart measurements because he wouldn't hold still.  Looks like another crazy boy!  Baily was a little bummed at first but then she just said "Mom, it's ok.  I will still love him."  It was so sweet.  She was being so sweet throughout the appointment holding my hand and asking questions and checking to make sure I was alright.  Even though I kept telling her it didn't hurt I think she was still worried about me because she kept doing all she could to comfort me like rubbing my hand and saying "It's ok mom.  I love you mom.  Your my best mom ever mom."  She's so sweet.  I just love that girl so much.  After our appointment we rushed home and I finished prepping dinner and then the missionaries came to eat dinner with us.  They seem like sweet guys.  After we ate we had to do family prayer and scriptures since I had to go to Mutual and wouldn't be home before the kids went to bed.  It felt good having them Elders join us and knowing we weren't doing it just to put on a show for them.  I was late to Mutual because I got a call from one of our YW- April, asking me if I would give her a ride.  I was thrilled to since I feel close to her and know that she needs all the support she can get.  On the way to pick her up the drive was so beautiful.  I had the windows open and since it had just rained everything was so green and beautiful.  Then one of my most favorite songs came on the radio from my ipod- EFY's "I Know That My Redeemer Lives."  I felt the Spirit so strongly and felt so grateful for this beautiful earth we live in, for my Savior and my testimony of Him and just for my life.  Mutual was great.  It was great to be back after not having gone for such a long time.  I so love my calling and I love my girls.  We made cute little flag pins for our Veterans for our Ward Memorial Day breakfast.  It was simple but fun.  After that I gave April a ride home and came home.  I was exhausted after that but I remember after saying my prayers and hopping into bed I just felt a great warmth inside and having the impression that Heavenly Father was telling me how much He loves me, how proud He is of me in my progress these past few weeks and that He has forgiven me of my sins I've been working so hard to repent of.  It was amazing and a feeling I won't ever forget.  How grateful I am for the Atonement and for repentance and to know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  How grateful I am for Divine communication.  So yesterday was a really great day.  Today there was not a lot going on.  Baily had Amber over to play and they had fun.  They had a few little spats here and there and I was a grump which I was not happy about and not sure why- must because I was being so lazy and unproductive with playing Solitaire too much.  I seriously need to work on that.  I did finally get a letter out to my mom which is a big burden of guilt lifted off my shoulders.  I love my mom so much and feel so bad that I'm not very diligent about writing her.  So it felt good to get a letter out to her.  When it came time to take Amber home, we stopped by my dad's to say hi but he was kinda grumpy with my kids so we didn't stay long.  We did stay outside for a couple of hours and the kids had a good time.  I should have been a better mom and played with them more and paid more attention to them instead of reading my magazine the whole time.  It was the New Era but really, my time would have been better spent giving my kids the love and attention they deserve.  I really need to work on that too.  And I will.  Now I'm gonna go pray and go to sleep because I'm beat.  Tomorrow should be a fun day- we are going to a bbq in the evening at Sis. Rebarchik's with other YW friends and then it's fireworks (it's chocolatefest in Burlington this weekend).  Baily and I are so excited about the fireworks.  Robert's off for the whole weekend and even Monday so we are looking forward to a family, fun-filled Memorial Day weekend.  My life is so blessed:)

Tuesday May 25, 2010

Today wasn't the best of days.  I enjoyed a lot of scripture study (prob a couple of hours worth) except being interrupted by my kids.  I shouldn't let that bother me since I am their mom and their caregiver.  After that I was in an ok mood until the afternoon and for some reason I was ogreized.  I turned to a major grump and was yelling before I knew it and the guilt soon followed.  I don't know why that happens but I'm determined to conquer this weakness.  Plus I need to stop being addicted to playing Solitaire and online crossword puzzles so much during the day- as well as Facebook.  I've been pretty lazy and that's no bueno.  I'm really excited about tomorrow- Robert's off and we get to have our 20 week ultrasound and see what this wee bun in my oven is.  I really feel like it's a girl but we shall see.  Here's praying to a better day tomorrow- a non-ogre, more productive, fun and cheerful me!

Monday May 24, 2010

So it has been an eventful past couple of days.  I haven't been as diligent with this journal because our internet was shut off.  Our internet and cable along with our cell phones and gas service and our car being repoed.  It's been a rough couple of days.  But how grateful and happy I am to stay that we've done our best to remain faithful and not lose hope- to not get discouraged or angry.  That shows that we've made a lot of progress and I know that this growth has come from the power of The Book of Mormon and prayer both individually and as a family.  We've been so diligent and despite the hards times, the lack of peace of mind, we've felt the Spirit and had peace and faith that Heavenly Father is watching out for us and things will be ok, peace of conscience.  On Friday as we were trying to figure out what to do about getting our van back we got a miraculous call from Robert's mom saying that she was going to take over our payments on the van for the next year- for the rest of what we owed.  This came out of nowhere and we knew it was an answer to prayer- that Heavenly Father was blessing us through Cande.  We were humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude.  When we talked to Lenny however, the man who we bought the car from, our high spirits were soon depleted.  We found out that he wasn't willing to accept anything less than the 2 months due plus an additional $350 for the repoe fee.  That came to about $1000 which we certainly don't have.  It was a low blow and I honestly don't feel it's fair or right of Lenny.  Unfortunately there was nothing we could do about it.  I talked to Bishop on Sunday with hopes of getting help to pay that money but for some reason he didn't offer to help.  I really didn't ask.  I suppose if he felt it was the right thing to do or felt inspired to help us he would have- in fact I'm sure he would have.  So I left feeling a little confused and bummed but at the same time I felt a peace.  Also yesterday we realized our internet/cable was shut off.  Today we woke up to the pleasant reality that our cell phone service was shut off and later today I got a knock on the door from the We man (our gas provider) telling me he was disconnecting our gas service.  That created some tears from me.  It was hard to take.  I wanted to get mad but I didn't.  I remained calm and instead of going back to a bad habit like I usually would have done in a stressful situation like this, I prayed.  Then I did my scripture study.  I felt such peace and calm.  Robert called and we decided to use the money Robert's mom sent us (this is when we thought we only had to pay one month's due to get our van back) to pay our other bills- our cell phone and gas and get those services turned back on.  We came to the realization that we just cannot find a way to come up with the $1000 to get our van back.  It's devastating because we do need and love our van and it's really going to hurt our credit and ruin our chances of ever getting another car on credit with a repoe on our record.  And we only had one year left to pay with the relief of knowing that we wouldn't have to pay the payments until we paid Cande back next year with our taxes.  It's really sad and disappointing.  But we had to come to the realization that we thought of everything we could and there's nothing we can do.  So we had to let it go.  And it was not easy but at the same time, I know I personally, felt a peace that everything will be ok.  And I have faith that because we are beings so diligent in trying to live righteously the best that we can, and are paying our tithing even though it's really hard to, Heavenly Father will take care of us.  I don't say that in a way to mean I think he's going to give us money and a new car- but we will be provided with opportunities to work and provide for ourselves.  As devastating as this could have been and hard for us to take, we've felt peace and hope.  Words can't express my appreciation for this peace and assurance.  It's miraculous.  I was also able to have a nice long chat with my dad about all this and it felt so good to open up with him and be honest and to feel his love and support in return.  I love him so much and am so grateful to have this chance to be so close to him right now.  It's priceless.  We had a great FHE tonight from the Nursery Manual- which I love so much, about family prayer and faith.  I really felt the Spirit and I can see the changes in my kids that having FHE, family prayer and scripture study and reading to them from the Book of Mormon daily, has had on them.  They just seem so much more content and obedient and full of joy.  Joaquin's suffering from another horrible rash/infection on his bum but I know he will be ok and I'm grateful I have more patience this time around to comfort him and help him.  We have been sticking to our bedtime routine very diligently the past couple of weeks and it's been wonderful- my kids are getting enough sleep and sleeping in their own beds and it just feels great.  I've been grumpy off and on the past couple of days which I'm not proud of but I'm doing better and prayer is helping me to overcome the grumpiness.  So that's about where we are right now.  On the surface things don't look so great for our family- but on the inside, where it really matters, things couldn't be better.  My family is my life and I'm so grateful we are healthy, happy and together forever.  Life couldn't be better!!

5.17-23

5.23- made it on time at least for Sacrament, grateful to borrow dad's car for church, sittin' by my girl April at church- love her!, Sis. Emmily Taylor's sweet talk on motherhood at church, lesson on temple marriage to my Beehives went great, sweet girls' help with my crazy kids after church, watchin' Newsies with my best girl and relaxing, smell of grilling on a hot afternoon- Sunday dinner at dad's house, kid's having a blast outside in the water, strawberry shortcake, going strong on bedtime routine with kids- felt like a good mom tonight, I LOVE The BOM!!

5.22- hearing my kids tell each other "I love you," texting with family, studying awesome story of Joshua in OT, comfort from & growing testimony of BOM- loving my strong desire to "feast in it's words,"  letter from my sweet mother, playin' outside with my kiddos, hubby going with the missionaries to do the work of the Lord

5.21- personal revelation, walk & long talk with dad & his encouragement to have faith, great YW Leadership meeting- love my fellow YW leaders, MIL is so generous and we're so grateful for her help- an answer to our prayers, Lord is bound when we do what He says- He keeps His promises, soccer game in the rain with fam & good soccer memories, family dinner out to eat, nice talk with hubby about faith & revelation, Klondike bar, goin' strong with each family member personally reading The BOM

5.20- watching Newsies in the morning before Robert went to work, kids excitement at seeing their grandpa outside at the bus stop for Eyan, twice baked potatoes for lunch, prayer got me through a rough day, my dad's big bear hug- really needed it and he didn't even know I did, tickles with Joaquin and his adorable laugh and meltable smile, my sweet girl and her sweet spirit

5.19- egg sandwich with sharp cheddar cheese for breakfast, rationalization schmationalization- great talk by Elder Cook on stewardship, Baily at friend's house and Joaquin napping= free & quiet & CLEAN (wahoo for prayer & overcoming weaknesses!) time to read the Ensign, hang out time at dad's with the fam-kids having a blast running through the sprinkler, Baily's love of nature and the little caterpillars, playing outside and daddy home early, chips and homemade guacamole- yum!, Robert's dee-licious grilled pork chops for dinner along with my yummy twice-baked potatos = food bliss for this momma!, early bedtime after a no-fuss bedtime routine with kids- I was so super tired

5.18- a beautiful wonderful Spring day- 65 degrees with a slight breeze... perfection!!, laundry done and put away, house is still clean, I was a much nicer mom today, started cleaning up the big mess that was the on the desk and made some good progress, water's not going to be shut off- what a relief!, nice chat and hang out time with Patty in the yard, yummy dinner- chicken broccoli & rice casserole, Baily's back to being a great eater, loved Lee on Idol and loved his "Hallelujah" song, love my hubby:), delicious & juicy grapefruit

5.17- kid's slept in their own beds all night!, pb oatmeal for breakfast, touched very strongly by the Spirit while reading Elder Holland's GC talk "Safety for the Soul," working on PP (Personal Progress), reading Ensign, chips & salsa, better than sex cake, good news/bad news- no new job for Robert but no moving out of state, delicious beef stew and homemade rolls for dinner, FHE about BOM and family goal to each personally read BOM for at least 5 min. a day and if we do we get a sticker- 100 stickers= 1 awesome pizza party, Baily's sweet forgiving nature after I was a beast, repentance

Thursday May 20, 2010

It's been a rough day.  Yesterday was pretty good.  The weather was beautiful and I just had a nice day.  Today our van was repossessed.  It was humiliating and horrible.  We're hoping to get it back but I have no idea how we're going to come up with the money.  Baily was wondering why they were taking our car and she decided it was because they were taking it to get fixed.  I was feeling bad and praying for help and strength to get through this faithfully without getting angry or losing hope.  At first I felt like maybe I'm being punished right now for my recent sins that I'm trying to repent of.  Then I realized that we are suffering the consequences of our poor financial choices.  But even that doesn't seem right because we are trying to be honest and I have no doubt we would pay all our bills on time and stop avoiding debt collectors (which I know is not right) if we had money to pay.  Then as I thought about it more I realized that Satan's working real hard on us right now because we are making some big changes in our lives to be more righteous and raise our family in righteousness- like we've been really diligent about family prayer and scriptures and each individually reading The Book of Mormon.  In the past couple of weeks, as I've recommitted to reading my scriptures every day, my testimony of The BOM has grown so much and I know that Satan does not want us to have this awesome blessing in our lives.  I realize now that that's where my bad mood came from out of nowhere on Monday.  So with this enlightenment I've received I'm determined to not let the adversary get us down or deter us from living righteously.  I honestly feel like right now we are doing all we can to live righteously and do what we can to support our family.  I know we need to figure out a way to get out of this but I don't know how.  But I will have faith that Heavenly Father will help guide us and inspire us on what to do so that we can be financially independent and secure.  That doesn't mean that I believe that someone's going to knock on the door and give us a million dollars.  I know that faith without works is dead and we need to be productive and do our part to make things- blessings happen.  And I know that He will help us find the solution.  I will not give up hope.  I will not give up faith.  Right now things are tough- we are struggling and going through major financial trials.  But we must "be strong and of good courage" for the Lord will not forsake us.  I know that is true.

Tuesday May 18, 2010

Today was a pretty good day.  The weather was perfection and the kids played outside a majority of the day which always makes me happy since they are getting nice fresh air and exercise.  Baily had Amber over to play and they played very nicely and made sure, at my pretty straightforward demands, to clean up after themselves so there was not the usual tornado mess left after she went home.  I was able to talk to the water company and get an extension to pay our bill until next month which is a big relief because now our water won't be turned off tomorrow.  And after some major prayer of repentance and pleading for help in overcoming my yelling and anger problems I definitely felt some Divine help today to "school my feelings" (Pres. Monson's talk in the Priesthood session of the '09 General Conference) and be more temperate.  I'm so grateful for that.  I was able to get my laundry done and have been doing so great at keeping my house clean, feeding my kids nutritious meals and following through on important daily routines.  It feels so good to have made progress and I know it's only because I have returned to diligent daily and nightly prayer and scripture study and family prayer and scripture study.  I'm so grateful for these wonderful blessings in my life and how much they improve my life and give it meaning and direction and hope.  Life is real good today- quite the contrast to how I felt about myself yesterday huh?!  Prayer is amazing folks... prayer is amazing:)

Monday May 17, 2010

Yesterday was a beautiful Sabbath day- everything I prayed for.  I woke up on time and we got ready for church and got there on time without rushing.  Sacrament meeting was wonderful and the Spirit was strong and I was so grateful to take the Sacrament since I had so much to be repentant of.  Sunday School and Relief Society were great and our talk with the Bishop went well.  He was very loving and understanding and told us to keep doing what we're doing as in trying to move forward with another job for Robert or moving into somewhere more affordable.  After church I made dinner and some people from the ward brought us a free bunkbed, crib and slide for outside.  They took our queen bed we were using for Baily's room.  It's much nicer having the bunkbeds because it makes a lot more room in Baily's room.  We just need to find a twin mattress for the top bunk.  After I finished preparing a lovely meal we took it over to my dad's for Sunday dinner and had a nice time there.  When we got home we put together Baily's new bed- and by we I mean Robert.  After that we had family scriptures and prayers and put the kids to bed.  I was sooo tired that all I could do after I put Baily to bed was to pray and go to bed myself.  Today started off pretty well.  I woke up at 6 and had trouble falling back asleep and once I finally did my kids woke up and I felt pretty tired.  But I got up and got off to a pretty good start.  I really enjoyed my scripture time- especially reading Elder Holland's General Conference talk "Safety for the Soul" from last November's Conference.  It penetrated to my soul and I was left pondering my testimony of The Book of Mormon and how grateful I am to have it in my life.  I spent the rest of the day not being very productive- reading some of the Ensign and playing around on the computer.  I did manage to make a nice, comforting dinner of beef stew and homemade rolls.  But for some reason I got really annoyed when my kids wouldn't clean up their big mess in the basement when it was time to come and eat and when I went down to hurry them up I snapped.  I even was telling myself to be calm and control myself while I was walking downstairs but once I got down there I lost it and started yelling and being really ugly to my sweet babies.  I was like a monster- a terrible horrible ogre and I hate myself when I'm like that.  I felt like I was watching myself and knew I needed to stop yelling but I couldn't.  It's a horrible feeling.  And from then on my attitude seemed to ruin what could have been a very nice evening with my family.  I was a grouch at dinner and during what should have been a very spiritual FHE.  We read the same talk by Elder Holland and talked about the importance of The BOM and Robert and I both shared our testimonies about it.  But my kids were restless, like normal 2 and 4 year olds, and I was so bothered and I let myself be so ugly to them.  Why do I do this?!  It's so frustrating to know that my bad attitude and lack of control ruins such possible wonderful moments.  I must get a handle on this by working harder to let Heavenly Father help me.  We made a family goal to each personally read The BOM for at least 5 minutes a day (I will read 1 verse a day to Joaquin and 1 page a day to Baily for their part) in the which if we do we will get a sticker.  When we get 100 stickers we will have one awesome pizza party.  Baily was pretty excited about this.  After FHE I got the kids ready for bed- Joaquin was easy with no problems.  Baily would have been fine if I wouldn't have been so harsh and short with her.  She threw a fit about the pjs I had gotten for her to wear and for some stupid reason I let this bother me and once again I was in a foul mood and so awful to her.  She even said I'm so sorry mom and that still couldn't break me.  What is wrong with me?!  It makes me so mad when I act like this.  It was no good after I read to her because she simply asked me to sing a song and I blew up at her again.  She doesn't deserve that and it breaks my heart that I could treat her in such a way.  I can't let myself be like that again.  I just can't.  I know Heavenly Father will help me with this- it is truly the sincere desire of my heart right now.  I want to be a loving and kind and gentle and Christ-like mom.  Maybe part of the reason for my bad mood, but still not a good excuse, is because I was pretty bummed when Robert told me he found out he didn't get the job in VA.  I was almost sure that that was the direction the Lord wanted us to go.  I didn't really want to move out there but I was looking forward to the pay increase and the relief from our financial struggle.  I'm happy that we won't have to move out of state but now I just don't know what we're going to do to survive financially.  I just need to have faith.  I know I can't sit around and wait for something to happen or for answers and that I need to move forward with faith in works but I honestly don't know what to do at this point.  I really, really don't want to move out of this house to a smaller apartment or townhouse in Milwaukee somewhere.  I've kind of felt like being more proactive in finding some children to care for so I'm going to work on that tomorrow and pray for more guidance so I can "do."  I have no idea how Robert is going to be able to get gas to go to work for the rest of the week because I decided to have faith and pay tithing and that was the last of our money for the week.  And we also got a notice today that our water will be shut off if we don't pay by Wednesday.  I'm going to call them tomorrow and beg them to wait until Friday.  I will have faith that somehow we will find a way out of this rut and continue to be faithful in paying tithing.  Life is just hard sometimes but that's what I'm here for- to be tested during hard times.  And I am not going to fail the test.

Blessings 5/10-16

5.16- A lovely Sabbath day, on time to church without rushing, great talks and great Spirit during Sacrament, interesting and thought-provoking Sunday School lesson, wonderful RS/YW lesson by wonderful teacher Sis. R, dinner ready faster than I thought, new beds for Baily and baby for free along with a fun new slide for kids delivered to our home by wonderful ward members, delicious Sunday dinner at dad's, Baily's excitement at her new bed that Robert put together, family prayers and scriptures, bedtime books with kids, kids went to bed with no fuss and slept in their beds all night, nice long good-night's sleep

5.15- Saturday is a special day- house is sparkly clean and smells heavenly, lawn is mowed and looks great (and my dad's as well thanks to my man;), nice chat with my Abuelita on the phone- love her so much!, lovely bike ride with the fam in beautiful weather, fun little trip to the park, garden talk with Patty and loving my yard!, home-made Navajo tacos for dinner (first time making pinto beans- success!), kids' nails trimmed and are all cleaned up and ready for church tomorrow, reading books with B before bed- she's got her bedtime routine down and is finally sleeping in her own bed- woot!, going to bed feeling productive and proud of myself for sticking to my goals

5.14- TGIF!, got the basement cleaned up FINALLY- whew that feels good!, got the pantry and laundry room cleaned out, laundry all done & folded & put away, man it was a productive day!, nice chat with Patty while kids frolicked and played, Robert's home early and off for the weekend- it's like Christmas!!, sausage and peppers for dinner and it was perfectly cooked- delicioso!!, beautiful day outside, Baily's oodles of kissed and hugs and expressions of "I love you forever mom. I'm never gonna let you go."

5.13- prayer got me through the day, grocery shopping tender mercy- pantry, freezer & fridge are fully stocked, love my dad, Robert's game cancelled so he was home earlier, hearing my kids laugh while they play with their dad, hide and go seek- Baily's secret spot, Joaquin's new way of saying "oooo-kaaay" when he has to do something he doesn't want to

5.12- hubby home this morning and kid's loved playing with him, finally had some energy and had a pretty productive day- got all the rooms cleaned up, wise & loving Bishop, stormy weather, clean sheets and comforter

5.11- husband's trip to VA was a safe one- he felt really good about his interviews, feeling a peace that if we move it will all be ok, kids had a blast playing in the basement all day with friend Amber, scripture study and prayer, Baily's sweet night-time prayer, not getting mad at Baily when she got scared and wouldn't go to sleep by herself but cuddling with her and enjoying her and loving her so much, Joaquin watching Glee with me and dancing and singing even though he was sooo tired- oh how I love that boy, hubby home after missing him so much and his sweet kisses to me

5.10- made it through a very sick day without having a melt-down, kids were very well behaved and very loving to me, husband made dinner for the kids and had them laughing and having fun, watched "Prince of Egypt"

Saturday May 15, 2010

Today was indeed "Saturday is a special day."  My home is now sparkly clean and smells lovely.  It's taken all week to get to this point and man it feels good.  Robert worked outside all day getting the yard lovelified (yes I just made that word up) as well as my dad's yard.  (My dad's still incapacitated from his back surgery.  I love that my husband is willing to do their yard work for them.  I love that man!!)  After all our hard work we enjoyed a nice little family bike ride around the block (the weather was perfect- 60's and slighty sunny- love it!) and then a nice little jaunt at the park.  It was lovely.  Then we came home and I made some delicious home-made Navajo tacos for dinner.  It was my first time making pinto beans and I'm glad they turned out.  Then we spent the rest of the evening trimming nails and getting all cleaned up and ready for church tomorrow.  It feels so good to be so on top of the ball and prepared for church and a nice Sabbath day tomorrow.  I am nervous about talking to the Bishop tomorrow about our financial distress.  I hate when we have to do that.  I just feel like such a burden and somewhat of a loser.  But I know that he can give us the council we need and I have faith that he's who the Lord would have us go to for council and direction.  We obviously need all the help we can get.  But I don't want to fret too much about that and instead just focus on having a nice Sabbath day with my family.  Life is real great right now and I'm so grateful for that:)

Friday May 14, 2010

Today was very productive and it felt great.  I got all my laundry done- cleaned, folded & put away.  I got the basement cleaned out and the pantry organized.  I made a delicious meal for dinner.  It was a good day and I really enjoyed my work today- being a stay at home mom.  I'm going to miss living in this house if we indeed have to move but it's worth it to me if it means I get to stay at home.  There's nothing better I could be doing with my time.  I know it's hard and I complain about it way too much but I'm so grateful to be at home with my babies.  And it's even better when I'm not sick;)  It was a beautiful day out which was nice and it's supposed to be that way all weekend.  And what makes it even better is that my man is off all weekend- wahoo!!  It's like Christmas.  Me and the kids have missed him a lot since he's been working such crazy hours and was in VA on his day off.  I had a nice chat over at my dad's with Patty.  I love being so close to them.  My kids love their grandparents so much and that makes me so happy.  We have a very blessed life.  I'm gonna get some sleep now so I'll have enough energy to deep clean tomorrow and prepare for Sunday- Saturday is a special day you know! 

Thursday May 13, 2010

I felt very tired and grumpy today and I'm not sure why.  I just had a lack of energy and was frustrated because I wanted to get so much done.  I did get to go grocery shopping and got really stocked up on food to last a couple of weeks thanks to our ward and their generous fast offerings to help the poor and needy.  I hate being in the position to have to get that help and to be one of the "poor and needy" but I am truly humbled and grateful to have that help available.  My dad let me use his car and I had my kids so it was a rough trip because they were pretty restless but again, I am so grateful.  Robert's softball game was cancelled today which I was excited about since that meant he got home a little bit earlier and we've missed him around here since he's been working so many nights and was in VA on his day off.  We are still anxiously waiting to hear on the job.  No news yet.  I got a little bit more laundry done and tomorrow I'm praying I have enough energy to finish it all and get the rest of my house cleaned.  One step at a time.  My main goal though, is NO MORE YELLING!  I need to stop- seriously.  I hate when I yell.  I need to have a "tongue of the angels."  Thank heavens for prayer.

Wednesday May 12, 2010

Today I was productive and I'm grateful for the energy I had that allowed me to be.  However I was a bit grumpy and snippy with my kids which I don't like.  I finally got my room cleaned up along with the kids' rooms and that feels good.  I worked all day and didn't waste time so I'm proud of myself.  Tomorrow I have to tackle the basement (I shudder at the thought- it's a tornado zone down there), the laundry and the actual cleaning- cleaning.  It feels so good to finally be on the up though.  I had to talk to the Bishop today about getting help with groceries which I hate doing.  It's so embarrassing.  But we need the help.  I still don't know how we are going to pay the rest of our bills.  Our car loaner is threatening us and I have no idea how we're going to pay him.  It's stressful but I'm going to have faith and do what I can to be more wise about our money and finding a way out of this.  We will meet with Bishop on Sunday after church so it will be good to hear his counsel.  I just hate being in this situation and the reality is really starting to hit me that we have to move out of this house that I love so much because we just can't afford to live here.  I hate that reality because I truly love this home.  But we have to do what we have to do to survive.  And even though I don't want to move I'm hoping even more that Robert gets this job in VA because I'm so sick of struggling financially.  Just have faith Sarah... just have faith.  I'm pretty beat so I'm headed to bed.  I'm looking forward to finishing get my house clean and in order tomorrow and I will be nicer to my kids.  I love them so much.  It's a stormy night and I love it.  I really do love rain and thunder.  I need to take time to enjoy such blessings more.

Tuesday May 11, 2010

So much for a great start to a great week.  Yesterday I was sick, sick, sick.  I was nauseous and throwing up all day and felt so drained and weak and had a hard time breathing.  I'm  pretty sure it had to do with me trying to get back on my antidepressants and taking the pills along with a prenatal vitamin.  So after being so sick I've decided to just wait on that and pray for help to overcome this depression until I can take the pills again.  But despite being sick I felt a lot of peace and strength from Above that helped me to not yell at my kids or have any melt-downs.  And I was so grateful for that.  I missed on reading my scriptures but I still said my prayers.  I really was so sick and had a hard time just getting through the day.
Today I felt better but was still pretty unproductive.  I did read my scriptures and gained so much comfort and peace from that.  Robert flew to Virginia today for his job interview.  He said he felt like it went pretty well- he interviewed with 5 different people.  He's home tonight- I'm so glad he didn't have to be gone over night.  I have felt peace as I've thought about moving to VA for this job.  It would be so helpful for the great pay increase and I just feel that if Robert gets this job that this is the direction Heavenly Father wants us to go.  I have faith that great things will await us and we will be ok- if not better.  My kids were playing in the basement all day which was nice because they weren't bored and bugging me.  But now the basement is even more of a disaster.  I'm praying I will feel even better tomorrow and have more energy so I can finally get my house clean and laundry done.  It's so overdue it's ridiculous.  Baily has slept in her bed 2 nights in a row without any problems which is wonderful.  Tonight was not as smooth sailing as she got scared and wanted me to lie down with her until she fell asleep which I wasn't too happy about but I did it and I'm glad I took that time to comfort her and show her how much I love her.  She grows up every day and I realize how fast my time with her as my little girl is slipping away.  I am going to cherish the tender moments with my kids more and strive to enjoy each little moment.  They are my life and I am so in love with them.  I am so blessed and so grateful to get to be the mom to such perfect, sweet little beings.  Oh how I love them!  My little Joaquin's rash is finally clearing up.  He threw up at dinner tonight but I think he was just gagging because he didn't have a fever or get sick after that.  And I had a breakthrough because I didn't get mad or frustrated when I had to clean him or the mess up- I actually enjoyed being able to take care of my baby boy.  While I was watching Glee tonight (love that show!!) he was so cute- he sat next to me and cuddled with me and sang and danced along even though he was sooo tired.  It was so sweet.  So even though I'm not too happy with how unproductive I was or the state of my filthy house I feel content and at peace right now.  I'm loving my role as motherhood instead of resenting it and that feels good.  And I feel at peace about our future... come what may and love it!!

Sunday May 9, 2010

I finally started my Personal Progress today and in order to actually be participating in this awesome program I need to be writing in a daily journal.  Which as you might be able to tell, is something I haven't been doing and have even been putting off for a while. 
Today is Mother's Day.  It's been an on and off day.  Robert had to work today which was a bummer, I missed church- another big bummer and I felt guilty a lot of the day for being such a bad mom.  But I did wake up to 3 beautiful red roses (I decided they were 1 for each of my babies) and 2 cute cards from my hubby.  I was so surprised and very touched.  It was a simple gesture but it meant a lot to me.  I also got my kitchen cleaned up, put a little make-up on, enjoyed some outdoor fresh air with my kids, had a yummy dinner and got my kids in their own beds to sleep following a night-time routine for the first time in a very long time.  Prayer has definitely gotten me through the past couple of days.  I have felt my depression creeping on me and taking over.  It of course has to do with my negligence in prayer and scripture study (up until Thursday when I had a big spiritual breakthrough and long prayer to begin the repentance process) and giving in to my addiction and the guilt that comes with that along with major financial burdens and stress.  But I know it also has to do with me being off my anti-depressants for so long and being overtaken with the mental illness that is depression.  In the past few short days that I've returned to prayer and scripture study though, my life has been greatly lifted.  I've had a lot of break-downs but instead of using that as an excuse to give into my addiction I've instead turned to prayer and to the comfort from my Savior and Heavenly Father and have been able to get through those major melt-downs.  Part of the cause of the melt-downs is the guilt I have of being a bad mom and just feeling overwhelmed with the duties of being a mom.  My poor Joaquin has had a horrible rash on his bum and he's been pooping non-stop for the past couple of days which just makes it worse.  He screams in pain and fights me every time I have to change him and it's so hard to handle.  We have also been trapped in the house for the past week since I don't have access to my van since we are late in payments and it's been shut off.   It was rainy the past couple of days so they couldn't go outside and because I've been feeling so crappy and depressed I've done absolutely nothing productive and have totally been neglecting my kids.  So they are so bored and craving attention and I feel so bad about that.  I also have been yelling and snapping at them so much and that's when the real guilt hits.  I totally break down and lose it and the guilt is unbearable.  I hate how my depression and anger hurt my kids.  It has got to stop.  I've got to get my condition under control.  I have to get the Spirit back in my life.  I am grateful to say that I'm finally taking the steps to get on the right path.  Prayer and scripture study are essential.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  What's sad is that I know this.  And yet I keep finding myself back in this situation where I'm struggling and lost in the world because I neglect these essential habits.  I feel so stupid and so foolish.  I can't let myself get to this point again.  I'm bound and determined to not let myself get to such a low point again.  I've got to realize that being a perfectionist has been a fault and has been holding me back.  When I don't stick to the all-too-demanding scripture study schedule I set for myself I get discouraged and give up.  I've simplified my goals and schedules but even so, I've just made it to where if I can't do all I've planned for the day (scripture study-wise) I will commit to reading The Book of Mormon at least 5 minutes a day.  It's spiritual nourishment that I need to survive.  So that's where I'm at spiritually and emotionally.  I'm struggling but finally progressing and getting better.  We are still struggling financially and the worry about how we're going to pay our rent and car payment and other bills we're behind on, as well as buy groceries and gas, is constantly on my mind.  Robert is flying to Arlington, VA on Tuesday for a second interview with security job out there.  We have very mixed emotions about this.  It would be a very significant pay increase (almost $20,000 more a year) and it would be foolish of us to turn that down.  We don't want to leave where we live now and it's scary because we don't really know anyone out there (Robert's great Uncle and his family live out there but we don't know them to well) and we don't know the area.  But at the same time, we've been praying for help and a way out of this situation and this opportunity just came out of nowhere so it would be so stupid for us to turn it down.  We do know and have faith though, that if this is Heavenly Father's will we will be ok- actually probably better than ok.  If he doesn't get this job we are probably still going to have to move to somewhere more affordable  and closer to Robert's work to save on gas.  I hate to even consider that thought because I love this house and I love my ward and being so close to my dad and family.  But we have to do something because we are just not able to afford living here.  I need to try to find some kids to baby-sit or something that would help us.  It's just so hard.  I can't even consider going out and working and leaving my kids to be cared for someone else.  It just feels so wrong every time I even consider it.  So that's where we are with that.  We are going through some major trials right now but it could be so much worse.
I am looking forward to next week being a more productive one- I plan on getting my house cleaned and put back in order, not yelling at my kids and giving them the love and attention they need and working hard to find a way out of our financial rut.  I want to get my life back in order- and I will.  It's going to be a good week.  I will be diligent in saying my prayers day and night and sticking to my scripture reading schedule.  I will be honest and CLEAN!  I will not give up.  I have made so many mistakes and am far from the person I need to be but it's only onward and upward from here.  Onward and upward.  Here I come.