Sunday May 9, 2010

I finally started my Personal Progress today and in order to actually be participating in this awesome program I need to be writing in a daily journal.  Which as you might be able to tell, is something I haven't been doing and have even been putting off for a while. 
Today is Mother's Day.  It's been an on and off day.  Robert had to work today which was a bummer, I missed church- another big bummer and I felt guilty a lot of the day for being such a bad mom.  But I did wake up to 3 beautiful red roses (I decided they were 1 for each of my babies) and 2 cute cards from my hubby.  I was so surprised and very touched.  It was a simple gesture but it meant a lot to me.  I also got my kitchen cleaned up, put a little make-up on, enjoyed some outdoor fresh air with my kids, had a yummy dinner and got my kids in their own beds to sleep following a night-time routine for the first time in a very long time.  Prayer has definitely gotten me through the past couple of days.  I have felt my depression creeping on me and taking over.  It of course has to do with my negligence in prayer and scripture study (up until Thursday when I had a big spiritual breakthrough and long prayer to begin the repentance process) and giving in to my addiction and the guilt that comes with that along with major financial burdens and stress.  But I know it also has to do with me being off my anti-depressants for so long and being overtaken with the mental illness that is depression.  In the past few short days that I've returned to prayer and scripture study though, my life has been greatly lifted.  I've had a lot of break-downs but instead of using that as an excuse to give into my addiction I've instead turned to prayer and to the comfort from my Savior and Heavenly Father and have been able to get through those major melt-downs.  Part of the cause of the melt-downs is the guilt I have of being a bad mom and just feeling overwhelmed with the duties of being a mom.  My poor Joaquin has had a horrible rash on his bum and he's been pooping non-stop for the past couple of days which just makes it worse.  He screams in pain and fights me every time I have to change him and it's so hard to handle.  We have also been trapped in the house for the past week since I don't have access to my van since we are late in payments and it's been shut off.   It was rainy the past couple of days so they couldn't go outside and because I've been feeling so crappy and depressed I've done absolutely nothing productive and have totally been neglecting my kids.  So they are so bored and craving attention and I feel so bad about that.  I also have been yelling and snapping at them so much and that's when the real guilt hits.  I totally break down and lose it and the guilt is unbearable.  I hate how my depression and anger hurt my kids.  It has got to stop.  I've got to get my condition under control.  I have to get the Spirit back in my life.  I am grateful to say that I'm finally taking the steps to get on the right path.  Prayer and scripture study are essential.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  What's sad is that I know this.  And yet I keep finding myself back in this situation where I'm struggling and lost in the world because I neglect these essential habits.  I feel so stupid and so foolish.  I can't let myself get to this point again.  I'm bound and determined to not let myself get to such a low point again.  I've got to realize that being a perfectionist has been a fault and has been holding me back.  When I don't stick to the all-too-demanding scripture study schedule I set for myself I get discouraged and give up.  I've simplified my goals and schedules but even so, I've just made it to where if I can't do all I've planned for the day (scripture study-wise) I will commit to reading The Book of Mormon at least 5 minutes a day.  It's spiritual nourishment that I need to survive.  So that's where I'm at spiritually and emotionally.  I'm struggling but finally progressing and getting better.  We are still struggling financially and the worry about how we're going to pay our rent and car payment and other bills we're behind on, as well as buy groceries and gas, is constantly on my mind.  Robert is flying to Arlington, VA on Tuesday for a second interview with security job out there.  We have very mixed emotions about this.  It would be a very significant pay increase (almost $20,000 more a year) and it would be foolish of us to turn that down.  We don't want to leave where we live now and it's scary because we don't really know anyone out there (Robert's great Uncle and his family live out there but we don't know them to well) and we don't know the area.  But at the same time, we've been praying for help and a way out of this situation and this opportunity just came out of nowhere so it would be so stupid for us to turn it down.  We do know and have faith though, that if this is Heavenly Father's will we will be ok- actually probably better than ok.  If he doesn't get this job we are probably still going to have to move to somewhere more affordable  and closer to Robert's work to save on gas.  I hate to even consider that thought because I love this house and I love my ward and being so close to my dad and family.  But we have to do something because we are just not able to afford living here.  I need to try to find some kids to baby-sit or something that would help us.  It's just so hard.  I can't even consider going out and working and leaving my kids to be cared for someone else.  It just feels so wrong every time I even consider it.  So that's where we are with that.  We are going through some major trials right now but it could be so much worse.
I am looking forward to next week being a more productive one- I plan on getting my house cleaned and put back in order, not yelling at my kids and giving them the love and attention they need and working hard to find a way out of our financial rut.  I want to get my life back in order- and I will.  It's going to be a good week.  I will be diligent in saying my prayers day and night and sticking to my scripture reading schedule.  I will be honest and CLEAN!  I will not give up.  I have made so many mistakes and am far from the person I need to be but it's only onward and upward from here.  Onward and upward.  Here I come.